Sunday, October 11, 2009
........transformation.....
"Dealing with so much right now. Dealing with so much emotions, sometimes it even feels unbearable. Although, I know I will get through this, because I am learning and growing each day. It's hard sometimes to get a better perspective on what's really going on."
Friday, September 18, 2009
New Light!
I can't express the peacefulness that I feel today. So happy. So calm. Not nervous about anything. I really feel at peace. I really feel it. It's such an amazing feeling and indescribable feeling.
Feeling content, at peace, relaxed, not worrying, happy, and still. I feel soooo good in my body right now.....feeling really myself.....feeling so good to be a woman!
I really feel so inspired by our goddesses divine chill session. It was such an amazing experience. Haven't felt like a woman in such a long, long while. I forgot what it really felt to be comfortable in my own skin.
Feeling content, at peace, relaxed, not worrying, happy, and still. I feel soooo good in my body right now.....feeling really myself.....feeling so good to be a woman!
I really feel so inspired by our goddesses divine chill session. It was such an amazing experience. Haven't felt like a woman in such a long, long while. I forgot what it really felt to be comfortable in my own skin.
Friday, September 11, 2009
breaking free
I just want to break free from the chains of limiting belief patterns and societal or religious conditioning that have traditionally kept women suppressed and unable to see their true beauty and power.
I want my strength to shine through. I want people to hear me. Not as this me, as this goofy, silly little girl. But as a person who has something important to express to the world. Can't I be taken seriously sometimes? Why is everything such a joke? Whether it be about anything.
"The Change starts within me."
"Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help."
I want my strength to shine through. I want people to hear me. Not as this me, as this goofy, silly little girl. But as a person who has something important to express to the world. Can't I be taken seriously sometimes? Why is everything such a joke? Whether it be about anything.
"The Change starts within me."
"Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help."
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
contemplating...
"Regardless of our present or past circumstances, the important thing is...everything that is happening or has happened is for a reason. In reality, there are no victims. We each have a different sad story to tell, there are thousands of them. But the common thread that runs through them all, which is that have at some point lost our power, or it has been taken away from us, or we have just plain given it away."
Thursday, August 20, 2009
"THE INVITATION"
"THE INVITATION"
IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; of if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mines, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of greif and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; of if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mines, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of greif and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
being taken serious
Sometimes I don't know why I have the worst communication skills. I want to be better at it. I know I have to totally trust and feel safe with the person. I don't know why I'm so unaffectionate, but i guess it's to a certain extent, because I can be affectionate when it's someone I'm really close to and feel comfortable with. I don't know why it's hard for me to open up to a guy. It's easy for me to talk to girls when it comes to emotions, but when I talk to a guy or any guy friend for that matter, I can totally shut down. I guess with patience, time, and the with the right person it'll happen.
There's certain persons I feel really comfortable with, and it makes me happy. Those I can be myself with and be totally open with. My heart is able to open up to right people. Before I was so afraid to be so closed up. But now it's opening up little by little as I learn to trust others.
There's certain persons I feel really comfortable with, and it makes me happy. Those I can be myself with and be totally open with. My heart is able to open up to right people. Before I was so afraid to be so closed up. But now it's opening up little by little as I learn to trust others.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
.....bringing life to light....
What Gift do I Bring?"
The gift we each bring is unique and unlike any other. It's a one-of a kind gift, which can never even in a million millennia be re-created. The challenge, however, can sometimes lie in figuring out how to get the gift opened! God was very creative in this endeavor because It wrapped this gift in an amazing package-your consciousness! It's true. The gift you have brought to share with your family of the earth lies in who you are. Who you are- or who you believe yourself to be- is the gift you bring. Can you feel the delight of this delicious truth? You are a gift to humankind and the planet, tightly wrapped and waiting to be opened.
Once we become conscious of the fact that we are on a mission to reveal this gift to the world, we might wonder where and how we begin to unwrap it. There is so much "stuff" to remove before we get to the gift itself! In many cases, I believe we already know what lies within the unwrapped gift of our being. We are just uncertain and fearful that if and when we do reveal it to the world, it may not be well received. Let's face it, there is nothing worse than giving a gift that isn't appreciated and welcomed, right? (That's one of the "bows of belief" we need to remove.) So, we spend a good amount of our life looking at the wrapping around the gift , and use the excuse that there's so much stuff wrapped around it that it would be easier to leave it unopened. Often, there is so much needless shame wrapped around the gift we are that we hold back on giving of our authentic self to anyone. Don't hold back on giving what you have come to share. The gift of you really is quite unique, and that is what makes it one-derful.
The gift we each bring is unique and unlike any other. It's a one-of a kind gift, which can never even in a million millennia be re-created. The challenge, however, can sometimes lie in figuring out how to get the gift opened! God was very creative in this endeavor because It wrapped this gift in an amazing package-your consciousness! It's true. The gift you have brought to share with your family of the earth lies in who you are. Who you are- or who you believe yourself to be- is the gift you bring. Can you feel the delight of this delicious truth? You are a gift to humankind and the planet, tightly wrapped and waiting to be opened.
Once we become conscious of the fact that we are on a mission to reveal this gift to the world, we might wonder where and how we begin to unwrap it. There is so much "stuff" to remove before we get to the gift itself! In many cases, I believe we already know what lies within the unwrapped gift of our being. We are just uncertain and fearful that if and when we do reveal it to the world, it may not be well received. Let's face it, there is nothing worse than giving a gift that isn't appreciated and welcomed, right? (That's one of the "bows of belief" we need to remove.) So, we spend a good amount of our life looking at the wrapping around the gift , and use the excuse that there's so much stuff wrapped around it that it would be easier to leave it unopened. Often, there is so much needless shame wrapped around the gift we are that we hold back on giving of our authentic self to anyone. Don't hold back on giving what you have come to share. The gift of you really is quite unique, and that is what makes it one-derful.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
......the clock strikes....
..."The clock strikes midnight....welcomed hugs from mi favorites.....I'm 27 finally. What can I say, I don't feel any different. But all ready know that things have been different internally. I've been more contemplative on life.
All I know is that I've been putting into practice "The Power of Now." Realizing there's more to life than what I've been worried about past years. Knowing that life happens when you aren't always analyzing it. Knowing that I can be more than people expect me to be. Knowing I am capable of doing what I always dreamed of.
Lately, the world, through my eyes, have been more beautiful and amazing than usual. I have faith that my life will turn out the way it's supposed to. All I have to do, is live it and be present.
Those meant to be in my life will be there. For those who aren't, always have a lesson to teach me, to become the person that I am today.
.................so cheers to the universe......" !here, here!
All I know is that I've been putting into practice "The Power of Now." Realizing there's more to life than what I've been worried about past years. Knowing that life happens when you aren't always analyzing it. Knowing that I can be more than people expect me to be. Knowing I am capable of doing what I always dreamed of.
Lately, the world, through my eyes, have been more beautiful and amazing than usual. I have faith that my life will turn out the way it's supposed to. All I have to do, is live it and be present.
Those meant to be in my life will be there. For those who aren't, always have a lesson to teach me, to become the person that I am today.
.................so cheers to the universe......" !here, here!
Monday, July 6, 2009
You are Lovable
Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable. You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt. Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love. You are lovable. You are loved.
Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the power, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Letting Go of Confusion
Sometimes, the way is not clear. Our minds get clouded, confused. We aren't certain what our next step should be, what it will look life, what direction we are headed. That is the time to stop, ask for guidance, and rest. That is the time to let go of Fear. Wait. Feel the confusion and chaos, then let it go. The path will show itself. The next step shall be revealed. We don't have to know now. We will know in time. Trust that. Let go and trust.
....takin in the sun.....and juz feel nature....
Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the power, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Letting Go of Confusion
Sometimes, the way is not clear. Our minds get clouded, confused. We aren't certain what our next step should be, what it will look life, what direction we are headed. That is the time to stop, ask for guidance, and rest. That is the time to let go of Fear. Wait. Feel the confusion and chaos, then let it go. The path will show itself. The next step shall be revealed. We don't have to know now. We will know in time. Trust that. Let go and trust.
....takin in the sun.....and juz feel nature....
Thursday, June 25, 2009
"beauty from brokenness"
life can be hard, if you just make it harder....
u can feel so stuck, there's pain and brokenness...there's a lot of things in life that is remained unsettled....but there's also blessings....blessings to realize what you have and what you can change in yourself to put the positivity into your world.
Life goes 75 miles an hour....we go through life in a rush...we swerve this way and that way and miss our street...miss the path that we're supposed to go through...we don't pay enough attention to what's happening in front of us.....we are so caught up in life....we forget to listen to the world....listen to our souls...listen to ourselves....what do we really want? what do we want for ourselves?
a hope for brokenness to go away in the mist...it hurts....
it gets deeper and deeper....u are in the tunnel...is there a way out? yes...there is light at the end of the tunnel...there is Guidance....follow your heart....enough is enough...when u have done all u can do.....don't worry it's up to you to let the universe do it's thang. trusting in the universe is all you can do, when you've done all you can do. be patient. things will fall into place.
it's okay to show your vulnerabilities...open your heart....let the lessons in.....
"The people that walked away are not tied to your destiny"
"The universe has a plan for me to go forward.
If the universe allowed this person to leave my life.
LET THEM GO.
Don't talk people into staying that want to leave.
They're still gonna go, whether it's a week, a year.
Delaying the inevitable.
When the universe is done with something, there's no amount of super glue that will hold it together.
Gift of "good-bye"
Them leaving you is the universe giving you a gift.
You want people who are supposed to be there.
You don't have to manipulate them to stay.
When the universe joins people to you.
You don't have to play up to them.
You cannot keep people like that happy.
If they're not talking about you now. They're going to talk about you later.
My time is valuable,
to try to keep people happy, that are never going to be happy.
No matter what you did, no matter how hard you try.
They're going to find some reason to complain.
Some reason to find fault.
A new problem to fix.
"They went out from us. Because they're not apart of us."
When someone leaves your life, they're no longer a part of your destiny.
Their time in your life is over.
The universe is going to bring people that are not just with you, but for you.
Be your best each day and the universe will bring you divine connections.
The universe will always bring the right people in you life, but you got to let the wrong ones, walk away.
If you don't let the wrong ones go, the right ones will never show up.
You don't need them to make up for what you're lacking.
Don't believe those lies."
-Pastor Joel Osteen
note to self: Thought a lot about people I've let go in my life....but know there was a reason for everything....it's part of life.....you either stay or let go.....im usually the one that has to let go.
u can feel so stuck, there's pain and brokenness...there's a lot of things in life that is remained unsettled....but there's also blessings....blessings to realize what you have and what you can change in yourself to put the positivity into your world.
Life goes 75 miles an hour....we go through life in a rush...we swerve this way and that way and miss our street...miss the path that we're supposed to go through...we don't pay enough attention to what's happening in front of us.....we are so caught up in life....we forget to listen to the world....listen to our souls...listen to ourselves....what do we really want? what do we want for ourselves?
a hope for brokenness to go away in the mist...it hurts....
it gets deeper and deeper....u are in the tunnel...is there a way out? yes...there is light at the end of the tunnel...there is Guidance....follow your heart....enough is enough...when u have done all u can do.....don't worry it's up to you to let the universe do it's thang. trusting in the universe is all you can do, when you've done all you can do. be patient. things will fall into place.
it's okay to show your vulnerabilities...open your heart....let the lessons in.....
"The people that walked away are not tied to your destiny"
"The universe has a plan for me to go forward.
If the universe allowed this person to leave my life.
LET THEM GO.
Don't talk people into staying that want to leave.
They're still gonna go, whether it's a week, a year.
Delaying the inevitable.
When the universe is done with something, there's no amount of super glue that will hold it together.
Gift of "good-bye"
Them leaving you is the universe giving you a gift.
You want people who are supposed to be there.
You don't have to manipulate them to stay.
When the universe joins people to you.
You don't have to play up to them.
You cannot keep people like that happy.
If they're not talking about you now. They're going to talk about you later.
My time is valuable,
to try to keep people happy, that are never going to be happy.
No matter what you did, no matter how hard you try.
They're going to find some reason to complain.
Some reason to find fault.
A new problem to fix.
"They went out from us. Because they're not apart of us."
When someone leaves your life, they're no longer a part of your destiny.
Their time in your life is over.
The universe is going to bring people that are not just with you, but for you.
Be your best each day and the universe will bring you divine connections.
The universe will always bring the right people in you life, but you got to let the wrong ones, walk away.
If you don't let the wrong ones go, the right ones will never show up.
You don't need them to make up for what you're lacking.
Don't believe those lies."
-Pastor Joel Osteen
note to self: Thought a lot about people I've let go in my life....but know there was a reason for everything....it's part of life.....you either stay or let go.....im usually the one that has to let go.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
....ahhhhh can't sleep! gotz energy!
FINALLY FINISHED A PAINTING!!! ....one I've been working on for MONTHS! SHIT!!!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Refresh my Spirit....my trip to GUATZ (Guatemala)
"Today I am devoted to the healing and learning opportunities available to me in all aspects of my life."
This trip has been a much needed trip for me. I've contemplated upon my life decisions a lot. Going back and forth with decisions based on my personal values. I've thought long and hard. And know now what I'm open for in life. I know I don't want anything less than I deserve.
I realized all the relationships in the past I've let go I was at the point of no return. When you reach the point of no return in a particular situation, it means you have given all you can give, taken all you can take, learned all you can learn, taught all you can teach, been all you can be. You realize there is no hope of things getting any better, and you have done all you kno how to turn things around. When you finally reach this point, please remember this is not a bad thing. It is simply time to move on. You will know you have come to the point of no return when your joy is gone. Your peace is at risk, you are searching for some meaning, you are looking for a reason. You are no longer mad. You can't even get angry. When you come face to face with the point of no return, remember the good times, appreciate the joyful times, be grateful for any support, encouragement or contentment you experienced. Pack all of those things in a corner of your heart and take them with you as you move forward. Acknowledge and accept that you may not be able to go back to what you had but that you have something to take with you on your new journey. Previously I may have resisted the need to move beyond the point of no return. I also was looking for reasons to stay in an experience that no longer suits my needs. But today, I've chosen to move forward.
There's so many things I want to accomplish within this year and upcoming years. A lot of changes has happened, a lot of new connections has been made, and a lot of growth has taken place within me. This Guatemala trip helped me get back my center, in balance. I realized for the last couple of months I was unbalanced at times. Maybe, because I haven't spent a lot of time doing what I wanted to get done. I want to start being productive again. I am determined. I've realized in the past months that I've been unproductive in my passions. Although, I can get distracted so easily. That's something I'm working on, discipline within my course of work. I can't procrastinate on anything because in the end, it's my life. As for now, I gotta get my shit together. All I need to do is have a balance between fun and priorities.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
realization....reflecting....leaving for GUATZ tonight.....
During the past months I realized more about myself. Things I should improve on/work on. I realize that sometimes I may say the wrong things without even thinking. Being so impulsive, not realizing it could be hurtful to those I truly care about. And I know I may make mistakes and it's okay. But at least a lesson is learned, and I can move past it.
Also, I've been so used to having my own space, that it's hard for to share my space sometimes. I've learned to open up more and feel okay to have others in my space. Especially to those I care about and love. I really truly value my space, so I don't end up losing myself. I get so caught up in the heat of the moments of my life, that I forget to take time for myself. I felt like in the past months, I've stopped taking time for myself. I've stopped taking the time to just think by myself in the morning and contemplating on my being. I forgot to center myself and having balance. So now, I've realized I need to get back to my center. I need to do art again to balance my soul. Perhaps the satisfaction I get from making art is the feeling that when you first look at an amazing art piece, it simply takes your breath away. I've realized I need to improve myself in this aspect in my art, that I have something very important to express but I lack the skills or courage to express it. Something I need to work on when I get back from Guatemala. I need to be working night and day on my art ideas. I need to get back to it. It's been way too long till I've actually made a piece since my series of ceramic placentas.
I've become unbalanced within the past months. I need to chill out and get back to my center. I need to balance dreaming with being practical. I need to really be productive in the next coming months. I'm 26 years old and don't need to be playing around. I need to get back to balance having fun and work. I can't be fooling around, this is my life. I've got to really start working again, getting back to the groove of things. I need to find a way to make money and fast.
Leaving for Guatemala first thing in the morning. Have to be in the airport at 10pm tonight. This trip will be a good eye opener. It'll help me refresh my spirits. It'll help me gain my inspiration back. It will be a good trip. I just have to really budget hardcore. And it's okay, I'm ready to be practical. I need to grow up. I need to think smart about what I do. I need to be responsible. And it's okay. It's all a lesson. Life is a lesson.
"I am receptive to the idea that....the purpose of living is to honor life." Life is not about doing it right. Life is the calling forth of your soul with honesty, in order for you to live by principles that honor yourself for the purpose of doing good. Integrity, The good in you coming out of you as a statement of who you know yourself to be. Integrity. The commitment to acting on what your heart feels and knowing your heart feels good about who you are and what you do in every situation. Integrity. The willingness to be diligent in giving your best, first to yourself and then to everyone else, knowing that every moment of contact with another being is a gift from the universe. Integrity. Yearning to know the truth. Seeking the truth. Acting in truth for the sake of honoring truth for the good of everyone, including yourself. Integrity. Accepting all that is and choosing to live by all that honors you and others, without condemning the other parts. Integrity, not right or wrong.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
too picky for love?
If anyone wants to comment on anything, I changed settings so that anyone can comment. So tell me what you think? I'm open to hear how you all feel about anything being written on this blog. Thanks for reading.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Have no fear for the Universe provides!
Inspiration is slithering back into my life.
This is the first day I actually feel it in me, to actually get myself together and finish something again. Every morning, I've been listening to "The Power of Now" audio book and Spanish music. It's so amazing, as well as very evocative, just what I need. It really sets the mood for my days. I'm really blessed to experience this great feeling almost everyday.
I realize that I may be blocking myself from receiving more than I am holding on to. As long as you are holding on to what you have, your path of possibilities is blocked. The holding can be mental, emotional, or physical. In any case, it is a sign of fear. If you are afraid to lose what you have, it means your consciousness is grounded in lack. Somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a belief that there is not enough to go around. There may also be a belief that when it comes around, you will not be on the receiving end.
Holding on is not the same as taking care of what you value or protecting that which is yours. Holding on is what most people do when they are afraid they don't deserve more. Holding on is what we do when we settle for less than what we want. Holding on is what we do instead of asking for what we want and then taking responsibility for creating it. When you really believe that you are worthy of the best, that you deserve the best and that there is enough of the best for you to have plenty, there will be no need for you to grab or clutch or squeeze what you have. You won't worry about what you have. You will not watch over what you have. You will no longer live in fear that by losing what you have, your life will somehow be diminished. When you can stop holding on, you begin to realizing that your blessings cannot be taken away, nor will they go away until the Universe is ready to increase what is at stake.
Until today, you may have been holding on to things and people in fear that they could not or would not be replaced in your life. Allow yourself to imagine what your life would be like if your hands and heart were to receive something better than what you are holding on to right now.
"Today I am devoted to opening my hands, my heart, and my life to receive bigger blessings."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
confia en el universo!
I've been concentrating on living in the NOW.
"Are you always trying to get somewhere than where you are right now?"
Most of us are never content to where we might be in life at the moment. But if we all just relax and just let life happen, we wouldn't feel so anxious to get to the next moment in life. We can learn to relax and live. And know that everything has it's time. Everything has it's beginning, middle, and end. It's all timing and circumstances.
I know that all that I've become depends on what life experiences I've already had, what phase of life I am in, what my goals are, and what aspects of my personality needs to be developed and strengthened. "You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up."
Recently, I've learned to open up more than I'm used to. All this time, Unconsciously, keeping feelings and emotions to myself. Realizing in the end, that sometimes it's okay to open up. Very few of us understand how to handle our emotions in a natural, healthy way. We live in a culture that is terrified of feeling too much. We have all learned many ways to deny, repress, manipulate, or try to change our emotions. We get stuck holding onto certain emotional patterns because they feel familiar and safe. What we don't know how to do is simply accept them to flow through us in their own natural rythms. I am learning to accept all sides of myself.
"Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything is a growth process."
I realize I've done all I can do, and I cannot regret what I did not do! Realize that I cannot make my life move faster than it is moving. No matter how urgent my situation may seem to be, things are going to happen when they happen, not a minute sooner. Patience is a choice. Patience is the emotional skill of knowing that what you expect, intend and desire will happen exactly when it needs to happen. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with others. Be patient with life. The process of life is ever unfolding, guiding you, pushing you, preparing you for the next part of the process. Life often takes a twist, or makes a turn that is frightening or confusing. Difficult challenges, bad days, upset feelings, moments of confusion are part of life's process. Perhaps these things are there to keep us alert, to make us stronger, or to test our resolve to keep moving forward. Perhaps they are not a sign that we are wrong, that we are failing or that our life is about to fall apart. The only way we can know for sure is to be willing to walk through every part of the process. The good and the not so good. The easy part and the hard parts. Perhaps if we stopped trying to figure out the process, the process would proceed exactly as it should.
Also I am receptive to the idea...sometimes people do things that have nothing to do with what I have done. When someone you care about with no reason or explanation, suddenly stopped speaking to you, what would you do? Most of us would probably search for a reason. We would search our most recent words, trying to find the reason why someone, particularly this someone, would turn their back. When the search turned up nothing, we would make the next most obvious leap. We would ask ourselves, "What did I do wrong?" It is at the precise moment that we ask ourselves that question that we are going to get ourselves into trouble.
People have a right to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, in any manner they choose to do it. You don't have to like it, and sometimes it is very hurtful. It doesn't mean however, that you did anything wrong. People see the same things in different ways. Certain people may process information in a different way than you do. They may feel different than you do about certain things. And even when you think you know a person, they may surprise you!
Each time you make yourself wrong for the way someone treats you, you diminish your sense of self. At times, you can be so willing to be wrong about what has happened that you make yourself wrong for simply being who you are. At some point in life, you may simply be faced with the painful reality that, for whatever reason, someone has chosen to move you out of their life. Accept that as their choice. While you may feel hurt and bewildered, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.
"Are you always trying to get somewhere than where you are right now?"
Most of us are never content to where we might be in life at the moment. But if we all just relax and just let life happen, we wouldn't feel so anxious to get to the next moment in life. We can learn to relax and live. And know that everything has it's time. Everything has it's beginning, middle, and end. It's all timing and circumstances.
I know that all that I've become depends on what life experiences I've already had, what phase of life I am in, what my goals are, and what aspects of my personality needs to be developed and strengthened. "You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up."
Recently, I've learned to open up more than I'm used to. All this time, Unconsciously, keeping feelings and emotions to myself. Realizing in the end, that sometimes it's okay to open up. Very few of us understand how to handle our emotions in a natural, healthy way. We live in a culture that is terrified of feeling too much. We have all learned many ways to deny, repress, manipulate, or try to change our emotions. We get stuck holding onto certain emotional patterns because they feel familiar and safe. What we don't know how to do is simply accept them to flow through us in their own natural rythms. I am learning to accept all sides of myself.
"Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything is a growth process."
I realize I've done all I can do, and I cannot regret what I did not do! Realize that I cannot make my life move faster than it is moving. No matter how urgent my situation may seem to be, things are going to happen when they happen, not a minute sooner. Patience is a choice. Patience is the emotional skill of knowing that what you expect, intend and desire will happen exactly when it needs to happen. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with others. Be patient with life. The process of life is ever unfolding, guiding you, pushing you, preparing you for the next part of the process. Life often takes a twist, or makes a turn that is frightening or confusing. Difficult challenges, bad days, upset feelings, moments of confusion are part of life's process. Perhaps these things are there to keep us alert, to make us stronger, or to test our resolve to keep moving forward. Perhaps they are not a sign that we are wrong, that we are failing or that our life is about to fall apart. The only way we can know for sure is to be willing to walk through every part of the process. The good and the not so good. The easy part and the hard parts. Perhaps if we stopped trying to figure out the process, the process would proceed exactly as it should.
Also I am receptive to the idea...sometimes people do things that have nothing to do with what I have done. When someone you care about with no reason or explanation, suddenly stopped speaking to you, what would you do? Most of us would probably search for a reason. We would search our most recent words, trying to find the reason why someone, particularly this someone, would turn their back. When the search turned up nothing, we would make the next most obvious leap. We would ask ourselves, "What did I do wrong?" It is at the precise moment that we ask ourselves that question that we are going to get ourselves into trouble.
People have a right to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, in any manner they choose to do it. You don't have to like it, and sometimes it is very hurtful. It doesn't mean however, that you did anything wrong. People see the same things in different ways. Certain people may process information in a different way than you do. They may feel different than you do about certain things. And even when you think you know a person, they may surprise you!
Each time you make yourself wrong for the way someone treats you, you diminish your sense of self. At times, you can be so willing to be wrong about what has happened that you make yourself wrong for simply being who you are. At some point in life, you may simply be faced with the painful reality that, for whatever reason, someone has chosen to move you out of their life. Accept that as their choice. While you may feel hurt and bewildered, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
TIMES ARE ROUGH BUT TIMES ARE A CHANGING!
Waking up to the beautiful sun shining
through my window pane
I sit up and reflect on what has become of me.
All that I was,
All that I am,
All that I will become.
All my experiences contribute to where I am now.
Things happen for a reason.
I put my trust in the universe.
Today I choose to organize my life in the best way possible.
Today I choose to prioritize.
Today I choose to get rid of unnecessary baggage and keep the ones that really should matter.
Life can be unfair, but realize it was just a blessing in disguise.
Life finds a way of opening doors for me when others closes.
Life has a way of showing me that there is more to life than being what I always were.
What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
I need to feel free again.
Even though, my spirits isn't quite uplifted yet.
Today I choose to do the best I can.
That's all I can do.
Because I believe there is so much out there this beautiful world can offer me, a beautiful soulful life of love.
At this moment in time this is the best place I could ever be.
This is a spiritual beginning once again, inspired to make art day and night.
Surround myself with positive energy and spiritual beings.
"Look at all things with hope, because in the end, that is all you'll have to look forward to."
"There is no rise without a fall.
Everything that has happened to my life, good and bad, is always a step higher to something better. I went through a lot, and still going through a lot right now. But I have faith that it's all the experiences that changes me will make me into the best person I can be. I've learned that what I want is not what I always need at this time. No matter what situation I am in, no situation stays stagnant. We are always moving up and moving to bigger and better things spiritually. I wonder how I'll feel when I get to where I really want to be. Maybe by then, I won't even care that I'm there, but the journey, the lessons that I learned along the way will be more worth it. It'll be a significant turning point in my life. And I'll be happy in the end, knowing I survived and went through it.
through my window pane
I sit up and reflect on what has become of me.
All that I was,
All that I am,
All that I will become.
All my experiences contribute to where I am now.
Things happen for a reason.
I put my trust in the universe.
Today I choose to organize my life in the best way possible.
Today I choose to prioritize.
Today I choose to get rid of unnecessary baggage and keep the ones that really should matter.
Life can be unfair, but realize it was just a blessing in disguise.
Life finds a way of opening doors for me when others closes.
Life has a way of showing me that there is more to life than being what I always were.
What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
I need to feel free again.
Even though, my spirits isn't quite uplifted yet.
Today I choose to do the best I can.
That's all I can do.
Because I believe there is so much out there this beautiful world can offer me, a beautiful soulful life of love.
At this moment in time this is the best place I could ever be.
This is a spiritual beginning once again, inspired to make art day and night.
Surround myself with positive energy and spiritual beings.
"Look at all things with hope, because in the end, that is all you'll have to look forward to."
"There is no rise without a fall.
Everything that has happened to my life, good and bad, is always a step higher to something better. I went through a lot, and still going through a lot right now. But I have faith that it's all the experiences that changes me will make me into the best person I can be. I've learned that what I want is not what I always need at this time. No matter what situation I am in, no situation stays stagnant. We are always moving up and moving to bigger and better things spiritually. I wonder how I'll feel when I get to where I really want to be. Maybe by then, I won't even care that I'm there, but the journey, the lessons that I learned along the way will be more worth it. It'll be a significant turning point in my life. And I'll be happy in the end, knowing I survived and went through it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
.......eh
Can't sleep, been catching up with drama tv shows all night. Been wanting to cry, time of the month where I'm just so emotional for no reason. It was good to let it out. I need it from time to time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
....getting back to SF
I was really happy to be back in San Francisco because I couldn't wait to see all my familia and friends! I had work the following day after getting back to SF.
The day I went to work was so fucked up. I got laid off after returning back from my beautiful, restful, and wonderful vacation. I worked for them all through the holidays. During the talk with my manager, he then informed me that they sent me severance pay with my last paycheck 01/08/2009. But I wasn't informed I was laid off at the time and spent the last of my mula in Hawaii, thinking I still had a job to come back to. I wasn't even aware that they would be laying off people at all. It was all of a sudden and a shock. It was a weird feeling. I was in shock and didn't process the information all at first. Then the next day, realized I had no money at all and started to cry and feel sorry for myself. Thinking to myself, how am I gonna pay for rent and for food to eat. Ahhhhh!!!!
I'm gonna have to ask for a new severance pay because the way they laid me off was unprofessional.
Anyways, that night ate with friends @ Benihana, had a little bit of mula left for one last grand dinner.
The next following day I got into a car accident! To make matters more worst........what is happening?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! =/
Things right now in my life are so confusing and up in the air. I feel sort of lost but trying to look at the brighter side of things and know that things are always going up and down all the time.
"When you get through whatever it is you are going through, you are going to be much better off. You will have firsthand knowledge of what works for you and what does not. You will have a new assessment of your strengths and capabilities. You will have greater insights about the people in your life. Perhaps you will have trimmed away some fluff, released some unnecessary baggage. In the midst of a challenge, our eyes are opened, our minds blown to new levels of awareness. When you get through this, you are going to be something else.....a better, stronger you!"
I just have to keep reminding myself: "Just another growth experience, blessing me today."
Ever since this whole nightmare started. My friends around me have been so helpful, understanding, and supportive. I am totally blessed with compassionate and beautiful souls around me. And I'm very appreciative of those who have offered their help to me. And those who are there for me right now when I need help the most. Thanks again!
I start first day back of spring sem 2009 at SFAI today. I am determined to make the best art ever than I have before because I'm such at the bottom point of my life right now. I need some outlet. I need to express how I'm feeling. My heart can't take this pain right now. =/ I want to smile again.
The day I went to work was so fucked up. I got laid off after returning back from my beautiful, restful, and wonderful vacation. I worked for them all through the holidays. During the talk with my manager, he then informed me that they sent me severance pay with my last paycheck 01/08/2009. But I wasn't informed I was laid off at the time and spent the last of my mula in Hawaii, thinking I still had a job to come back to. I wasn't even aware that they would be laying off people at all. It was all of a sudden and a shock. It was a weird feeling. I was in shock and didn't process the information all at first. Then the next day, realized I had no money at all and started to cry and feel sorry for myself. Thinking to myself, how am I gonna pay for rent and for food to eat. Ahhhhh!!!!
I'm gonna have to ask for a new severance pay because the way they laid me off was unprofessional.
Anyways, that night ate with friends @ Benihana, had a little bit of mula left for one last grand dinner.
The next following day I got into a car accident! To make matters more worst........what is happening?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! =/
Things right now in my life are so confusing and up in the air. I feel sort of lost but trying to look at the brighter side of things and know that things are always going up and down all the time.
"When you get through whatever it is you are going through, you are going to be much better off. You will have firsthand knowledge of what works for you and what does not. You will have a new assessment of your strengths and capabilities. You will have greater insights about the people in your life. Perhaps you will have trimmed away some fluff, released some unnecessary baggage. In the midst of a challenge, our eyes are opened, our minds blown to new levels of awareness. When you get through this, you are going to be something else.....a better, stronger you!"
I just have to keep reminding myself: "Just another growth experience, blessing me today."
Ever since this whole nightmare started. My friends around me have been so helpful, understanding, and supportive. I am totally blessed with compassionate and beautiful souls around me. And I'm very appreciative of those who have offered their help to me. And those who are there for me right now when I need help the most. Thanks again!
I start first day back of spring sem 2009 at SFAI today. I am determined to make the best art ever than I have before because I'm such at the bottom point of my life right now. I need some outlet. I need to express how I'm feeling. My heart can't take this pain right now. =/ I want to smile again.
.......biggest nightmare
Arrived at the big island, Hilo at night w/ Go! airlines. Go! is the worst airline to ever book a flight with. Never again. Anyways, Ken arrives and picks us up. We then head over to his house, and I'm surprised about how dirty his place his. He didn't even have clean sheets for us to sleep on. He didn't welcome us well. He was nice but his hospitality was weird. He also had three children living with him. And his house was a tree house in the rain forest. That part was cool, but his place wasn't at all clean at all in any way.
We slept on a dirty futon w/ a hole in the middle of it w/ dirty sheets as well in an attic. There was spider webs, bugs, and mosquitos everywhere. I didn't sleep at all that night and was awaiting for the new day to arrive. We wanted to get out of that island as soon as we could. We went to a laundry place in Pahua. Then Ken, drives us back to the airport. We then booked a flight to Maui that same day with Island Air. Then we rented a tight-ass jeep w/ Alamo at the Maui airport and headed to a remote cabin lodge in the middle of nowhere in Hali'imaile Rd, called "Hali'imaile Peace of Maui," to stay the night. It was a great decision on our parts.
Wake up from a beautiful sleep then go grocery shopping at Kmart. Then after wards, we do a road trip around the west coast of Maui. We walk along the Wailea nature trail and chilled along the beaches. We also sighted some humpback whales. It was mating season and birthing season for the whales. So beautiful. It was so chill! Just what we needed after the nightmare in big island. Then we sleep in the jeep that night near the beach, across from "Haleakala Shores."
Almost missed my plane back to San Francisco. I was literally running and sweating getting to the gate. I was actually last one on the plane and made the plane delay lift off time. Anyways, a real good movie was playing, "The Duchess" (of Devonshire) w/ Keira Knightley playing the main character. I was so emotional. I cried so much like a wreck. The movie made me think. I really loved the characters of Charles Grey and Georgina. Charles Grey was deeply in love with Georgina. He cared about her well being most of all. He only wanted her to be with him and they live happily ever after. It was a beautiful and tragic story.
We slept on a dirty futon w/ a hole in the middle of it w/ dirty sheets as well in an attic. There was spider webs, bugs, and mosquitos everywhere. I didn't sleep at all that night and was awaiting for the new day to arrive. We wanted to get out of that island as soon as we could. We went to a laundry place in Pahua. Then Ken, drives us back to the airport. We then booked a flight to Maui that same day with Island Air. Then we rented a tight-ass jeep w/ Alamo at the Maui airport and headed to a remote cabin lodge in the middle of nowhere in Hali'imaile Rd, called "Hali'imaile Peace of Maui," to stay the night. It was a great decision on our parts.
Wake up from a beautiful sleep then go grocery shopping at Kmart. Then after wards, we do a road trip around the west coast of Maui. We walk along the Wailea nature trail and chilled along the beaches. We also sighted some humpback whales. It was mating season and birthing season for the whales. So beautiful. It was so chill! Just what we needed after the nightmare in big island. Then we sleep in the jeep that night near the beach, across from "Haleakala Shores."
Almost missed my plane back to San Francisco. I was literally running and sweating getting to the gate. I was actually last one on the plane and made the plane delay lift off time. Anyways, a real good movie was playing, "The Duchess" (of Devonshire) w/ Keira Knightley playing the main character. I was so emotional. I cried so much like a wreck. The movie made me think. I really loved the characters of Charles Grey and Georgina. Charles Grey was deeply in love with Georgina. He cared about her well being most of all. He only wanted her to be with him and they live happily ever after. It was a beautiful and tragic story.
"Nahenahe" .....
Found out what my Hawaiian name is at the Dole Plantation "Halemano Plantation" off the Kamehameha Hwy in Oahu. "Nahenahe" means Rae/Rachel - deeper meaning behind it means: Sweet and Soft.
Upon staying at Scott's place the next few nights, he made a super good breakfast, in return for his hospitality, we cook him a yummy dinner and drank lots of wine over good conversation between all of us were exchanged. Then we watched a movie taking place in Barcelona. It was a good movie! The next following morning, we wake up super early and Scott made us some bomb @ss Chai Tea Latte and drove us to the bus stop to get to the airport. We then were headed to our BIGGEST ADVENTURE ever, Kauai.
We get picked up by Rebecca and Mikey at Lihue airport, Kauai. Then we went to buy camping permits at the Kauai agriculture center, so we could camp at the Kalalau trail. Then we check into a hostel and get the best private room overlooking the beach as our backyard. Then we eat chilli dogs and finish running errands for the Kalalau Trail. End up getting up before the sunrise the following morning, to head to the trail. The sunrise was so breath taking and rejuvenating.
We start the Kalalau Trail tuesday morning. For those who never heard about the Kalalau Trail, on a scale of 1-10. 1 being the easiest and 10 being the hardest. It was rated 9, as top hardest and dramatic trails in the world.
The Kalalau Trail provides the only land access to The Na Pali Coast. It is an 11 mile hike. The pali, or cliffs, provide a rugged grandeur of deep, narrow valleys ending abruptly at the sea. Waterfalls and swift flowing streams continue to cut these narrow valleys while the sea carves cliffs at their mouths. Extensive stone walled terraces can still be found on the valley bottoms where Hawaiians once lived and cultivated taro.
It was the hardest and real first hike I've ever done in my life. We didn't do the whole 11 mile hike because we didn't have enough food and water to last us another day on the trail. We made it to 6 miles. I almost couldn't make it, but kept pushing myself, thinking of what I'll do after I'm done with the hike. I kept thinking, "I got this. I can do this. I want to see all my family and friends. And most of all, I wanted a chili dog at the very end to reward myself......so good....mmmmmm....
We make it to the 2 mile mark from Ke'e Beach to Hanakapi'ai. We couldn't swim on this beach because the waves were treacherous and is prone to killing you. But it was beautiful.
Then we make it from Hanakapi'ai to Hanakoa (4 mile mark), then less 6 mile mark, and decide to camp out wherever, because it was getting dark, and we didn't want to be hiking on cliffs at night. Our morning viewpoint was magnificent.
Met awesome people: goat hunters and a fairy girl throughout our journey. Kalalau Trail was the hardest trail ever but I'm happy I did it. It was well worth it. It was amazingly breath taking. At the end of the trail, Mikey met us at the bottom of the trail. I then convince everyone to eat chili dogs with me. And then I took a long, hot shower at the hostel and had a grand seafood dinner after wards.
The next day we went to Poipu Beach, ate at Imu Hut Cafe, and snuck into a cabin at Waimea Canyon and met up w/ Patricia & Sue, stayed there that night and took a wonderful shower in the morning. Check out Waimea Canyon and Wailua Falls before heading to the airport, on our next journey to the big island, hilo airport.
Upon staying at Scott's place the next few nights, he made a super good breakfast, in return for his hospitality, we cook him a yummy dinner and drank lots of wine over good conversation between all of us were exchanged. Then we watched a movie taking place in Barcelona. It was a good movie! The next following morning, we wake up super early and Scott made us some bomb @ss Chai Tea Latte and drove us to the bus stop to get to the airport. We then were headed to our BIGGEST ADVENTURE ever, Kauai.
We get picked up by Rebecca and Mikey at Lihue airport, Kauai. Then we went to buy camping permits at the Kauai agriculture center, so we could camp at the Kalalau trail. Then we check into a hostel and get the best private room overlooking the beach as our backyard. Then we eat chilli dogs and finish running errands for the Kalalau Trail. End up getting up before the sunrise the following morning, to head to the trail. The sunrise was so breath taking and rejuvenating.
We start the Kalalau Trail tuesday morning. For those who never heard about the Kalalau Trail, on a scale of 1-10. 1 being the easiest and 10 being the hardest. It was rated 9, as top hardest and dramatic trails in the world.
The Kalalau Trail provides the only land access to The Na Pali Coast. It is an 11 mile hike. The pali, or cliffs, provide a rugged grandeur of deep, narrow valleys ending abruptly at the sea. Waterfalls and swift flowing streams continue to cut these narrow valleys while the sea carves cliffs at their mouths. Extensive stone walled terraces can still be found on the valley bottoms where Hawaiians once lived and cultivated taro.
It was the hardest and real first hike I've ever done in my life. We didn't do the whole 11 mile hike because we didn't have enough food and water to last us another day on the trail. We made it to 6 miles. I almost couldn't make it, but kept pushing myself, thinking of what I'll do after I'm done with the hike. I kept thinking, "I got this. I can do this. I want to see all my family and friends. And most of all, I wanted a chili dog at the very end to reward myself......so good....mmmmmm....
We make it to the 2 mile mark from Ke'e Beach to Hanakapi'ai. We couldn't swim on this beach because the waves were treacherous and is prone to killing you. But it was beautiful.
Then we make it from Hanakapi'ai to Hanakoa (4 mile mark), then less 6 mile mark, and decide to camp out wherever, because it was getting dark, and we didn't want to be hiking on cliffs at night. Our morning viewpoint was magnificent.
Met awesome people: goat hunters and a fairy girl throughout our journey. Kalalau Trail was the hardest trail ever but I'm happy I did it. It was well worth it. It was amazingly breath taking. At the end of the trail, Mikey met us at the bottom of the trail. I then convince everyone to eat chili dogs with me. And then I took a long, hot shower at the hostel and had a grand seafood dinner after wards.
The next day we went to Poipu Beach, ate at Imu Hut Cafe, and snuck into a cabin at Waimea Canyon and met up w/ Patricia & Sue, stayed there that night and took a wonderful shower in the morning. Check out Waimea Canyon and Wailua Falls before heading to the airport, on our next journey to the big island, hilo airport.
Start of 2009
Upon arriving in Honolulu, Jeremy picks us up from the airport. His place isn't as clean as I was hoping it would be, but it can do for a bit. That night Nikki and I encountered cockroaches and were super afraid. We kept screaming and jumping frantically on the mattress we were sleeping on with Bob Marley playing on our ipod system in the background.
Amazing feeling being on this island and overwhelmed with the grand weather and nature. I feel so blessed to be here.
Then, luckily the next night, we ended up with Scott and Daniel. Scott is by far the most generous person we've come across on Oahu. We ended up getting drinks at a local bar with the guys. Then we go back to their house and it's clean, neat, and comfortable. I took a short hot shower. It felt so good. We slept in Scott's room while he slept in his sister's room and Daniel took the couch. Scott lives in Ewa Beach. Cool place, far from the city. The next two days we take out Scott's truck and took a drive around the whole island of Oahu.
We ended up visiting the Dole Plantation, a historical town called Hale'iwa, Ali'i Beach Park, Emukai Beach Park, Waimea, Polynesian Cultural Center [closed the day we went], Pounders Beach, Waikiki, Oahu north shore.
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